View counts. We all over-value them (yes, I do it as well). Well, here’s a new mathematical theorem for determining your video’s success:
A few years ago, some idiot in Italy noticed that his dog was humping his cat. Rather than acting sanely (i.e. separating the two animals), said moron grabbed his camera, uploaded the video to youtube, slapped on a brilliant title (”My Dog F**k My Cat”) and an even more brilliant description (”kuku my bisexual dog can give pleasure to my cat all day and night!! mhhhhh.. miaoooooooooooooo”)
As of this posting, 1,154,679 people have watched it.
This seems like an excellent barometer for internet achievement.
For example, last year’s Funny Or Die-produced hit “Ron Howard’s Call To Action,” featuring an all-star cast and promoted on virtually every major news network, received a very respectable 2.58 My-Dog-F**k-My-Cats.
The very funny “Drunk History Vol. 2,” featuring A-list movie star Jack Black, has thus far earned 0.63 My-Dog-F**k-My-Cats.
Mashable released a list of hilarious Twitter users. They chose a bunch of funny people, like shitmydadsays. I agree that those folks are funny, but I was disappointed that I didn’t make the list. Have you even seen my hilarious tweets?
I spelled a word that traditionally has one ‘m’ with eight ‘m’s. No matter your favorite style of comedy, it’s universally clear that 8-ifying things is hilarious.
This question can only be answered by two people: Marco and Gavin, the IT guys, and they don’t even follow me on Twitter. So asking my seventeen hundred followers to identify my computer’s problem is thoroughly ineffective, and thus hilarious.
Historically it’s been the goal of every writer to be published. In blog-o-landia people can be published instantly. In about ten minutes, this rough draft will be out into the world, and millions of people will see it. (If by some slim chance it gets picked up by a mega-blog.) In this era of instant publication a new standard for cred has been established: the elusive book offer.
You mean someone will pay me to do what I’ve already been doing for free?
The successes of such blogs-to-books as Stuff White People Like, has spawned imitators looking for dat cash.
I said “joining twitter i guess, coworking convinced me” fifteen months ago. I was a fairly early adopter of this medium. I use Twitter professionally, that is I employ it to keep myself employed. I’ve been fully aware of its proliferation, it’s usage by mainstream media and moms. I’ve kept tabs on what has been happening on the microblog, and yesterday I witnessed something for the first time.
Spammers got the trending term.
My professional account, has been followed by unintelligible usernames with 48 x 48 images of “Britney Spears” fellating somebody. The following day I’d notice that I have fewer followers. These spambots were judged, prosecuted, and executed by Twitter admins.
To launch Windows 7 in Japan, Microsoft has teamed with Burger King to start selling a Whopper with 7 patties.
Stories about the 1.7 pound, 2,120 calorie burger have been circulating the net. People have speculated about the majesty of this meaty skyscraper. Then finally, video footage was released showing the effort that goes into eating this beast.
If you are a serpentine creature, that can unhinge its jaw, you can easily eat this gigantic sandwich. If you are human it’s not so easy. (I hope you are human, because the thought of a literate serpentine creature is terrifying.)
Saying you are the first person to accomplish something is exciting. On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus got to the New World, and yelled “First!” Even though like, many the internet commenter, he wasn’t actually the first.
There were already loads of people here. And if you need a qualifier, the Vikings were the first Europeans to yell “f1rst” long before Cristóvão Colombo. But he got his own holiday, and some people don’t have to go to work today. Good work, sort of.
Unlike Cristóbal Colón, I am interested in actual firsts. I’m not an imperialist conquistador, instead I spend my time thinking of words that no other person in the history of information has ever thought of. Through the use of ’search engines’ you are able to discover if you truly are the “FIRST!” to come up with certain ideas.
