There comes a time in every man’s life when too much is enough.

This is the fifth sequel to Universal Soldier, whose premise involves “super soldiers” that are undead and can’t feel pain.

This is the third film starring Jean Claude Van-Damme, the second one co-starring Dolph Lundgren and the first with whoever the Pitbull guy is.

The worst part? This is exactly what the opening of JCVD parodied.

[Twitch]

After the dust settled and Going Rogue was released, former Alaska governer Sarah Palin is a bonafide literary superstar. Then again, the entire idea of Parasalin’ with her is enticing.

Then again, watching the people in line be interviewed about her policies and why they want to see her elected President forces you to sober up from being media-drunk and accept a horrid reality.

Namely, no one knows why they’re doing anything but they’ll be damned if they can’t do it.

[NewLeftMedia]

note: I totally stole the Heavy Metal Parking Lot reference from someone on twitter. No idea who, I just saw it flash past. So, I apologize! It

It’s no secret, we’ve moved up in the world. Everyone has a gold-plated toilet seat, diamond encrusted phones and I even have my own wing of the office. But we felt that we had to show you around our new digs and point out that we’re at the same studio where they shoot Mad Men.

And there’s more!

• -High School Musical: China. [PR]
• -Uh. Man. Our new office is nice.
• -A new Space Battleship Yamato will have two endings to be voted on by a preview audience. [ANN]
• -Youth in Revolt and Nine: Worst Double Feature Ever? Nonsense! [Variety]

New Moon made an exorbitant amount of money despite 29 percent on the Tomatometer. Blah blah blah, sky is blue and water is wet.

Movieline rightly notes this is The Golden Age of the Fangirl.

After all, who wouldn’t pay to see an entire theater reacting like this video?

Netflix has adopted its’ inner hipster and partnered up with the Independent Film Channel to stream 53 select titles via Netflix Instant. This is sort of like their current partnership with Starz on Demand, but infinitely cooler due to the inclusion of John Sayles’ Brother From Another Planet.  But let’s explain in detail why this is actually relevant rather than just go “OH MY GOD, JOE SWANBERG OMG STREAMING ETC.”

Because I assume you can at least read and care about film, aside from wanting me to copy and paste a press release.

Originally, IFC had partnered with Blockbuster for exclusive rights to its’ rentals’ expansion in 2008. At the time, who knew streaming rental services such as Netflix would actually prosper?  Well, to be fair, IFC did. They’ve been pioneering a Video on Demand service for their first-run films that get sentenced to an otherwise crippling New York only release since 2008. This marks their first time partnering with a second-party system to showcase their titles.

So what now? Well, Netlfix Instant (as of yesterday) has access to 53 titles owned by IFC. Those include the ones you read–er, other sites copied and pasted from the press release like Joe Swanberg’s Nights and Weekends and Hirokazu Kore-eda’s Nobody Knows.

But what else is there?

Unfortunately, nothing recent like Antichrist or Police, Adjective. For those films, you have to be in New York and able to attend the IFC Center screenings.  Still, marvel at all the films you can see that are under the IFC catalog:

• -Brothers: Before it was remade by Jim Sheridan with Natalie Portman, Jake Gyllenhaal and Tobey Maguire, this movie was considered “independent” and unheard of outside the Toronto Film Festival.
• -The Brother From Another Planet is fantastic for this scene.
• -Following is Christopher Nolan’s debut film.
• -Kitchen Stories is because I’m a fan of Bent Hamer’s Factotum.
• -Sex is Comedy because I loved Catherine Breillat’s Bluebeard at NYFF this year. And a sister dies.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that we’re fans of abridged series. Especially ones that invoke Brooklyn Rage. Now what is the news on this Saturday morning?

• -Welcome to Parodynormal Activity. [YouTube]
• -Disney is so ready to push its’ merchandise. [Variety]
• -Precious is sparking a debate about its’ use of race. [NYT]
• -It’s Saturday. Go outside.

The Messenger continues opening in wider release this week and has 89 percent on the Tomatometer. So what’s the verdict on this story about two Army officers who must inform dead soldiers’ families about the bad news? Watch on as Brett, Ellen and our cadre of webcammers fill you in.

Who cares if New Moon set an all-new midnight ticket sale record thingamajig. It’s a genre movie designed to pander to young teenage girls who know nothing about boys, are afraid of relationships and unsure what a guy is like. The Twilight vamps don’t even have a cool powers!

Not sure? Maybe you’ve been against this already. Well, we’re with infoMania’s Ben Hoffman: “Vampires Can Suck It.”

TEAM HOFFMAN.

It’s looking mighty clear that Twilight Saga: New Moon will be the big dog this weekend, but don’t just take my word. Let Brett and Ellen give you a quick guide to what’s out today and after the jump, we’ll go line by line into your vampire alternatives.

• -The Blind Side may just be reverse-Precious, but people seem to dig Sandra Bullock’s performance.
• -Planet 51 is a giant “fish out of water” story, but in space. And an Alien reference. HIGH FOUR.
• -Twilight Saga: New Moon will make a lot of money this weekend and make Eclipse happen.

In limtied release:

• -Red Cliff is the streamlined version of John Woo’s two-part historical epic.
• -Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is Werner Herzog’s horrible film, yet must be seen to appreciate the mangled abortion that is Cage as Kinski.
• -Staten Island could be…eh…something?
• -Broken Embraces is the latest from Pedro Almodóvar that fully embraces Pop Art and melodrama in a way that only he can.

Unfortunately, we’re dark next week, so there’s no new episode of The Rotten Tomatoes Show on Thursday. So eat some turkey, tofurkey or just order out!

But we’ll be looking for webcam reviews for Ninja Assassin, The Road and The Princess and the Frog starting on Wednesday!