The CMT awards aired last night, on CMT I’d assume. Being a Southerner myself, I take particular offense to the candy-coated, over produced, horse shit that sounds more like a Hallmark card than a country song they churn out of Nashville and try to pass off as Southern culture these days. I think it’s safe to say, if Waylon were still around today, he’d rather skip an insulin shot than listen to this drivel.
So, with that in mind, let’s mock some pictures from the event…
I’m not sure if Terry Fator knows it, but that’s a brilliant metaphor for the bullshit, pop-country machine in Nashville.
Ted Nugent doesn’t play country music, but he kills lots of animals by hand, so it’s cool.
“Hi Lady! I like your music because your lyrics speak to me on an intelligence and emotional level I can understand.”
Yup, that’s actually the first time you’ve ever seen product placement used to sell overalls. The Feeks (Joey and Rory’s real last name, not a slur) have a deal with Carhartt. No kidding.
What do you mean, it’s not about the music anymore? Also, ummmmmmmm?
Wow, Shawn Johnson has really grown into her country music phase.
Wow, it’s hard to believe, it was just 12 short years ago, when quarterback Kerry Collins called wide receiver Muhsin Muhammad the n-bomb, and now he’s at the CMT awards. It’s amazing how quickly things change…
“Yeah, me neither. I grew up in an upper-middle class family in the suburbs of Michigan, and I started my career as a rapper, but these people still buy music, so whatever.”
“This here’s a song about how people don’t do the same things as they used to and how it’s a damn shame. It’s called ‘Every Song I Ever Played.’”
If Hank Williams ever bothered to show up to an after party for a country music awards show, he would have been passed out in the corner with a morphine drip in one arm and whiskey drip in the other—not fixing his jewelry and teasing the hair on his fake tanned forehead before posing for a picture.
A lot of people try to claim that Dierks Bentley is real country, you know… with backup dancers.
“I am here tonight to pay tribute to the fine art of cultural manipulation. I too am a craftsman in the trade of rednexploitation, and I know a true champion when I see or hear one. So with that, I offer you, Country Music, for going above and beyond the call of duty to wrangle money out of hard working Americans, a tip of the cowboy hat. Even though historically speaking, there have never been any Cowboys in Nashville.”
“Um… Good guys are good! Bad guys are bad! God bless America! Wooo!”
Sure it feels good to win an award, but Martina McBride is probably more depressed about Taylor Swift’s relative height, good looks, youth, and inability to sing than she is happy about winning.
Why is Taylor Swift singing “Photograph” with Def Leppard? Probably because the original hot chick from the video is like 50 now, and she’s about the only female vocalist that can hit less high notes than aging, AARP-eligible, male singer. She is adorable, but in a local mall, food court, talent show kind of way.
After the fifth person tried to order a drink from T-Pain, he started to wonder whether his country duet with Taylor Swift was even worthwhile.
Oh, fuck you.
*Looking for real country music? Check out Justin Townes Earl, Hank III, Ryan Bingham, or Brian Wright and the Waco Tragedies, and occasionally Jason Isbell. (Occasionally ‘country’ that is, the ‘check him out part’ you should do all the time. PS: this song makes me cry sometimes).
June 18th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Amen!
June 18th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
That last one say’s it all. Country died sometime in the 80’s.
June 19th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Brother you nailed it. The drivel served up by Nashvegas is enough to make me want to poke my ear-drums out.
Check out Dale Watson for whats really happening in REAL country music. If you want to listen to Americana it begins and ends with Neil Young’s Harvest record.
And the band played on.
June 19th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
…and Neil Young is a Canadian to boot. That says something right there.
September 14th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
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September 17th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
[...] into a big batch of some really talented underground musicians from Nashville. Trust me, I hate the bullshit fake country pop music that’s cranked out of that town faster and dirtier than a pair of generic Wal-Mart jeans from [...]